It’s Not Stalking If You Don’t Comment…

March 13, 2017
Boredom and social media lurking seems to go hand in hand these days. I told myself not to do it, but a little lurking would be harmless. Let’s be real, it always starts off harmless until you find something that hurts your feelings. And there I was in the wee hours of the morning in bed holding my iPhone with an almost empty bottle of Chardonnay sitting on my night stand. I was ready to search all my exes on Instagram. Well, not all…actually just one. And there it was. Him being happy. Him living life. Him with his girlfriend. Him and her being happy with his family. Him and her being happy at dinner. Him and her being happy with their newborn baby. Wait! What the eff? I clicked on his most recent picture and there they were looking like the three-person emoji family from my iPhone. Now a rational non-Chardonnay drinking person at that moment would have exited the app and took their ass to sleep. All of a sudden it was like bad Kermit showed up in his black hoodie.
Good Kermit: Close the app. Nobody knows you looked.
Bad Kermit: …like all the post so he’ll know you seen them.
I double tapped the first picture and watched that white heart pop up in the center. What am I doing? I unliked it, but then my Bad Kermit-Chardonnay haze kicked in again and I went on liking frenzy. Tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap. I took a sip of my wine and kept scrolling through his page and continued liking random photos. Pictures from 2 years ago, pictures from six months, screenshots of just his girlfriend. I checked the time and thought, “It’s super early in the morning, he’s probably not up. You should go unlike the pictures no harm, no foul.”
Bad Kermit: You’ve already liked them, so eff it.
I popped up the next morning thirsty. I grabbed my phone to check the time and it was just before eight. How is it when I have the opportunity to sleep in, I never do? I was chugging down some Gatorade when it hit me. Holy shit, I liked all that man’s pictures. I grabbed my phone to assess the damage. Could I go unlike them? Has he seen them? I look like an effen stalker. Who does that? I flipped through his photos and I started counting. 31 pictures! I am like the crazy chick from the movie “Obsessed”. Maybe he hasn’t been on his IG yet.”  I searched his page and he had a new post which means he received 31 notifications from me. I was mortified, so I did what every mature respectable adult would do. I blocked him. Don’t ask me why. It just made sense at the time.



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1 Comment

  • Reply Shadowfox March 14, 2017 at 4:28 pm


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